The White House issued the following press release this morning.
President Trump is delighted to announce the soon-to-be open online store where innocent felons can redeem their freedom. The store will alleviate anxiety and confusion over the pardoning process and eliminate the unfair delays often found in the current process.
The store will allow imprisoned citizens to overcome injustice by providing a simple method to obtain a pardon or to have a sentence commuted.
Both pardons and commuted sentences will be available in single, named and signed documents or single blank, signed documents where the recipient can be filled in later as appropriate. A cost-saving family plan is also available for both pardons and commuted sentences.
The price list for documents is as follows:
- Single named pardon: $2 million
- Single blank pardon: $5 million
- Family plan with five blank pardons: $18 million
- Single named commute: $1.5 million
- Single blank commute: $4 million
- Family plan with five blank commutes: $16 million.
Purchasing a pardon or a commute will make a great present for a loved one.
Checks should be made out to the Donald J. Trump Reelection Committee.
Cash payments will receive a ten percent discount.
As soon as the store opens, the web site location will be announced in a =nother press release.