FNN Report: White House plans an online store

The White House issued the following press release this morning.

President Trump is delighted to announce the soon-to-be open online store where innocent felons can redeem their freedom.  The store will alleviate anxiety and confusion over the pardoning process and eliminate the unfair delays often found in the current process. 

The store will allow imprisoned citizens to overcome injustice by providing a simple method to obtain a pardon or to have a sentence commuted.

Both pardons and commuted sentences will be available in single, named and signed documents or single blank, signed documents where the recipient can be filled in later as appropriate.  A cost-saving family plan is also available for both pardons and commuted sentences. 

The price list for documents is as follows:

  • Single named pardon: $2 million
  • Single blank pardon: $5 million
  • Family plan with five blank pardons: $18 million
  • Single named commute: $1.5 million
  • Single blank commute: $4 million
  • Family plan with five blank commutes: $16 million.

Purchasing a pardon or a commute will make a great present for a loved one. 

Checks should be made out to the Donald J. Trump Reelection  Committee.

Cash payments will receive a ten percent discount.

As soon as the store opens, the web site location will be announced in a =nother press release.

 

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FNN Report: Pentagon Refuses A Trump Order

Faux News Network’s political reporter, Stacy Conundrum, filed this report from Washington.

Today, the Pentagon refused to obey a direct order from President Trump.

A Pentagon press officer explained to reporters that it was against the law for the military to conduct operations against civilians or their property within the USA.  Therefore, the Air Force could not bomb Senator Mitt Romney’s home in Utah as ordered. Similarly, Navy Seals could not conduct a stealth mission to blow up the Senator’s home. 

The Pentagon spokesperson went on to say the situation was completely different if Sen. Romney owned a chateau in France.  Then, if the French gave the USA permission to penetrate its air space, the Pentagon could bomb the chateau although the French government would surely protest the bombing of its territory.  The French would likely retaliate by sending a covert team into Scotland where they would destroy the greens at Trump’s golf course.

Ms. Conundrum will continue to follow this breaking story.

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FNN Report: Republican Senators Denounced

Today, The wife of the Vice-president expressed dissatisfaction with the impeachment hearings claiming the Republican Senators were all cowards. 

She praised the efforts of the Democrats in both houses and felt they had proved the case that the President committed crimes and deserved to be removed from office

She went on to say “My husband will make a good President and we’ll go to church every Sunday.  Maybe more often. He has plans to build a small chapel in the White House and it won’t cost the taxpayers more than fifty million or so.”

She added that the Vice-president suffered severe back pains from standing for long hours behind the President’s desk while he signed executive orders or held press conferences. “It’s time he sat in chair,” she concluded.

 

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